Last night, my husband and I were sitting in the living room and I said to him, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
He got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.
He's such an ass...
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Boy in a play at school has fun with his costume.
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Subject: Mark your Calendar
November 13th is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday:
Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your
last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't care about?
Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you?
Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty; you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch?
Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it?
Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY!
Here are the rules you must follow:
* You can only slap one person per hour - no more.
* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.
* No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
* If questioned by a supervisor [or police, if the supervisor is the
irritant], you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE !
Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to
slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping on November
13th..... and have a great slapping day !
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A Great Comeback
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering,"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied,"If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."
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What do you get when you mix PMS with a GPS?
A crazy bitch who will find you!!!!!!
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There were probably many, many times this year when I may have disturbed you, troubled you, pestered you,
irritated you, bugged you, or got on your nerves with all the e-mails I send.
So today I just wanted to tell you..........
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Tough Shit, Cupcake!!!!
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After a small hiatus, I am back to posting those wonderful email jokes I get from work. Not sure how many I will post today, but it's a start. Enjoy them!
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?
'Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.' She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'
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WHEN TO START CUSSING!
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing. The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, 'when we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!' She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, ' And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?' I don't know, he blubbers, 'but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!'
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CASH FOR CLUNKERS..........I QUALIFY
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.
CASH FOR CLUNKERS..........I QUALIFY - How about You?
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Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans:
'1'
Blaming your farts on me.....
Not funny... Not funny at all !!!
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'2'
Yelling at me for barking.
I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG
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'3'
Taking me for a walk, then
Not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
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'4'
Any trick that involves balancing
Food on my nose. Stop it!
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'5'
Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.
Now you know why we chew your stuff
Up when you're not home.
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'6'
The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.
You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what
A proud moment for the top of the food chain.
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'7'
Taking me to the vet for "the big snip",
Then acting surprised when I freak
Out every time we go back!
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'8'
Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
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'9'
Dog sweaters. Hello ???
Haven't you noticed the fur?
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'10'
How you act disgusted when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.
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Now lay off me on some of these things.
We both know who's boss here!
You don't see me picking up your poop do you?
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EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY.
A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!
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One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
'Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate, he stated.
'Why yes, she replied, every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church'
The pastor replied, 'That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?'
The elderly woman answered, $10,000 a week.'
The pastor was amazed, your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?
'He is a veterinarian, she answered.
'That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money, the pastor said.
'Where does he practice?'
The woman answered proudly, in Nevada , he has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno .
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In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen.. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
'MOUNT & DO'.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely NO recollection of what to do with them.
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AHHHH!!!!!!!! Old Age
An old man goes into a drugstore to buy some Viagra.
‘Can I have six tablets, cut in quarters?’
‘I can cut them for you’ said Dan the pharmacist’
But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.’
‘I am 96’ said the old man. ‘I don’t want an erection.
I just want it sticking out enough so I don’t piss on my slippers.’
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If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people
with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to
give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
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...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!
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THE THREE GRANDMAS
Three mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.
When an old man walked by.
And one of the Grandmas yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how
old you are!'
The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.'
One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under
shorts and we can tell your exact age.'
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he
dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up
and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years old!'
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in
the world did you guess?'
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies
happily yelled in unison - -
'We were at your birthday party yesterday! '
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One for the girls
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my shape to keep..
Please no wrinkles, Please no bags
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, Please no gray
And as for my belly, Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done.
Five tips for a woman......
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
Foot Note:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts.'
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Guaranteed to make you smile
On july 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module,Neil Armstrong
Was the first person to set foot on the moon.
His first words after stepping on the moon, 'That's one small step for man,
One giant leap for mankind,' were televised to earth and heard by millions.
But just before he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark 'Good
Luck, Mr. Gorsky.'
Many people at nasa thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival
Soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no gorsky in
Either the russian or american space programs.
Over the years many people questioned armstrong as to what the 'Good luck,
Mr. Gorsky'... Statement meant, but armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following
A speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to armstrong. This
Time he finally responded.
Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
In 1938 when he was a kid in a small mid-west town, he was playing baseball
With a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his
Neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were mr. And Mrs.
Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young armstrong heard Mrs.
Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.
'Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the
Moon!'
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Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?
"Little Johnny: "None.
"Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?
"Little Johnny: "None.
"Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?
"Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left.
"Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think.
"Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?
"Teacher: "Sure.
"Little Johnny: "There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?
"Teacher: "The one sucking the cone.
"Little Johnny: "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."
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Summary of Life
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge..mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . .. having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . not piddling in your pants.
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Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh . That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
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lethargic
tired